I rose from bed a little earlier than the rest. Thinking a few minutes of quiet this morning would do me some good. I sat down on the couch, opened my laptop, and stared at the sign-up sheet for my son’s middle school meet and greet glaring back at me. Up until now, I have just gone through the motions. Filling out paperwork and helping him choose classes. But today, as I stared back at that sign-up sheet, I felt a real gut-wrenching dread fill my tummy. And then suddenly, out of nowhere, my eyes filled up with tears, and it all started to become so real to me.
It seems like yesterday I walked my boy into pre-k, terrified that he wouldn’t be able to do all that was expected of him. How would he make it without his mommy by his side – showing him the way? I started to cry as I walked back to my car that day and then sat for a good 30 minutes sobbing quietly in the empty parking lot, wondering where the years had gone. I kind of feel like I am back in that realm of sadness, except this time, it is middle school, causing all of the stirrings of emotions. These upcoming years are crucial years with so much change and growth. He will walk out of his middle school years changed. And if I am honest, my emotions are all over the place. I don’t feel ready for the change and growth, yet here we are, staring it blankly in the face.
I remember the day he was born like it was yesterday. Out of all three of my baby’s Birthdays, his day is still the most vivid in my mind. I couldn’t believe I was finally going to become a mother. When they placed him in my arms, I felt instantly changed. Suddenly, he was everything to me. The love was abounding and enormous. It felt like a boulder was sitting on top of my chest, where he laid. Breathing became difficult for the first time in my life. The love I felt for him was smothering. But in a good way.
Now he is 11, and I can’t help but wonder where these years have gone. And now again, the breathing part seems difficult. I just wish I could keep him small for a bit longer. Time, please slow down, just for a little while.
Motherhood is a roller coaster sometimes. Ok. A lot of the time. It’s like one minute we are smothering them with kisses and snuggles. And the next minute they are halfway out the door and then like lightning fast, they are gone. I have to figure out a way to slow this train ride down. It’s been one like no other, but I want it to last a bit longer. I am relishing in the sweet little moments of my days, not taking a single moment for granted. Because in the grand scheme of things, that’s all that matters.
Middle school, here we come. Like it or not – we are on our way.
Holly is a 42 year old wife and mom to 3 boys, from Nashville, Tennessee. She is a hot tea lover, book reader, journal keeper, Pinterest pinner, podcast listener, y’all sayer, self-taught graphic designer, hobbyist photographer, writer and dreamer of all things big and small. You can find all of her ramblings here at Blu Nest Bloom.